Woof. The timing of this could not be more perfect. I just found out that I got into my dream writing residency, fully-funded, and it of course begins on my daughter's sixth birthday. I haven't quite landed in a place where I don't feel guilty, but I also didn't even question NOT going. I'm going. Of course I'm going. AND I'll make a huge deal about my daughter's birthday before and after I leave, pulling her out of school to play hooky at our local amusement park. My husband is also perfectly capable of being her mother. He'll happily plan her party and be there for her on the day, and that is its own victory.
In addition to the beautiful mothering you’re giving your daughter right now, you’re also giving her a profound gift that she’ll unwrap over the long term: a mom that will never quietly resent her for going full-bore after her dreams. Maybe she can’t cash that check right now but later on she’ll feel that wealth. You can’t fake genuine, unfettered cheerleading and support. That’s the fruit of a psyche that’s allowed itself to fully thrive, you know what I mean?
Courtney, this really landed! You’ve done such a good job of writing about the split mind and heart as a parent and a creative - so true that the kids don’t know better than to want their parent present, my freshly minted teen at 13 is the same way. But they will see the modeling we are doing as parents when we need to prioritize work too - and hopefully they will make sense of it all some day. My mother worked full time as a physician and I lost her young - I remember her as very busy all the time between prioritizing children, home and work - although I never got to have these conversations with her as an adult, I now truly respect and value the juggling she did and recognize how hard it must have been - I hope our children will see this too with us once they process this as adults in hindsight. Wishing you a wonderful reading!
“I feel badly that my daughter feels bad about me missing today’s performance, but I don’t feel guilty.”
There is so much subtlety in this. Relationships with other humans are always about trading and compromising, clarifying and resetting. “Disappointing” others (including our kids) will always be a part of love, full stop.
It’s normalizing this dynamic that becomes our work as leaders of our families and voices in our communities.
i have so much to say about this... one day we will have coffee between the creases of writing and life. I will say this : I missed my daughter getting her period. I was sitting in a hotel bar with my producer after long day of shooting when I got the call. I was so sad. I felt guilty for so long. Her dad was a champ and my daughter thinks I'm awesome. She's 30 now. But I missed it.
This is beautiful, Courtney. The entirely relatable truth of it made me tear up. Your daughter WILL one day appreciate and understand (and I expect, on some level, she does already). Enjoy your Woodstock and Chicago events. I'm sure your daughter will enjoy some time with her dad to herself. ❤️
Both of my parents had working mothers (a nurse, and helping running an Avignon shirt store, respectively) and mine was also the primary breadwinner of my parents. She did something smart when I was 13 or so, and showed me where her bi-weekly paycheck went. Although she loved teaching, I was clear that it was also a non-negotiable economic necessity. For those writing moms who are lucky enough to earn a living at it, I think this is a simple technique that also teaches their kids economic literacy/reality. For writing Moms who have to do something else for a living, I think the same general rule applies.
I am of the generation when large families were common, and my overstretched mother (and my husband's - I was one of five, he of six) were able to depend on us kids to raise each other in many ways. The older ones taught the younger ones, and we had delicious shifting alliances. I think the millennial generation, who rarely have more than two kids and sometimes only one, are in many ways at a disadvantage. There is far more pressure on the parents to be super-Moms or Dads, always there, always understanding, never disappointing, being defacto siblings and well as parents.
It's hardly traumatic for Nina for you to not be there for every one of her performances. She might well have other fodder for a therapist's couch (who doesn't) but that will not be one of the memories that wounds her. I contend that these minor disappointments are, in fact, strengthening, preparing her for the real world full of far more difficult ones.
(By the way, what's the name of the Anne-Laure's mother in "I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You?" In the audiobook, the narrator pronounces it "In-ay" and I'm thinking he's mispronouncing "Inès", leaving off the "s." He's a very good actor, but I'm afraid his French is often lacking. )
Good for you, Courtney! As a mother, I digested guilt three meals a day! I never felt like I gave my daughter enough. Now looking back, even though I worked at least sixty hours per week as a physician, I wonder if I still didn’t manage to smother her in many ways. Who knows? Anyway, I very much admire your commitment to you! And My guess is that your little Iago will remember her play as a roaring success, and after the fact, never remember you weren’t there for the wrap. Kudos to you both!!
First, I want to just recognize that I don’t really have the authority to speak in this space because I’m not a mother, but I want to say a few things.
1) I know you’re incredible writer based on your work and it sure sounds like you’re a pretty great mom as well, so there’s the answer to your question. 😁
2) As a work-from-home dad and husband who has scratched and clawed for over two decades to write and write and write and make some money along the way, this post really hit home for me. THANK YOU for writing it.
It’s always worth us remembering as parents that our kids don’t do what we tell them they do what we show them. You’re showing your daughter how important it is that she sometimes puts herself first and that’s as loving as it gets.
Thank you Courtney I needed this so much --leaving soon for my first residency since having kids (they’re 9 and 11!) and have been feeling big guilt as I prepare to go .... thank you for the empowerment ❤️
Woof. The timing of this could not be more perfect. I just found out that I got into my dream writing residency, fully-funded, and it of course begins on my daughter's sixth birthday. I haven't quite landed in a place where I don't feel guilty, but I also didn't even question NOT going. I'm going. Of course I'm going. AND I'll make a huge deal about my daughter's birthday before and after I leave, pulling her out of school to play hooky at our local amusement park. My husband is also perfectly capable of being her mother. He'll happily plan her party and be there for her on the day, and that is its own victory.
In addition to the beautiful mothering you’re giving your daughter right now, you’re also giving her a profound gift that she’ll unwrap over the long term: a mom that will never quietly resent her for going full-bore after her dreams. Maybe she can’t cash that check right now but later on she’ll feel that wealth. You can’t fake genuine, unfettered cheerleading and support. That’s the fruit of a psyche that’s allowed itself to fully thrive, you know what I mean?
Courtney, this really landed! You’ve done such a good job of writing about the split mind and heart as a parent and a creative - so true that the kids don’t know better than to want their parent present, my freshly minted teen at 13 is the same way. But they will see the modeling we are doing as parents when we need to prioritize work too - and hopefully they will make sense of it all some day. My mother worked full time as a physician and I lost her young - I remember her as very busy all the time between prioritizing children, home and work - although I never got to have these conversations with her as an adult, I now truly respect and value the juggling she did and recognize how hard it must have been - I hope our children will see this too with us once they process this as adults in hindsight. Wishing you a wonderful reading!
“I feel badly that my daughter feels bad about me missing today’s performance, but I don’t feel guilty.”
There is so much subtlety in this. Relationships with other humans are always about trading and compromising, clarifying and resetting. “Disappointing” others (including our kids) will always be a part of love, full stop.
It’s normalizing this dynamic that becomes our work as leaders of our families and voices in our communities.
i have so much to say about this... one day we will have coffee between the creases of writing and life. I will say this : I missed my daughter getting her period. I was sitting in a hotel bar with my producer after long day of shooting when I got the call. I was so sad. I felt guilty for so long. Her dad was a champ and my daughter thinks I'm awesome. She's 30 now. But I missed it.
I get every word of this. In the end, I want my daughter to know I’m a whole person, and that she can be too. But these things still sting.
This is beautiful, Courtney. The entirely relatable truth of it made me tear up. Your daughter WILL one day appreciate and understand (and I expect, on some level, she does already). Enjoy your Woodstock and Chicago events. I'm sure your daughter will enjoy some time with her dad to herself. ❤️
Both of my parents had working mothers (a nurse, and helping running an Avignon shirt store, respectively) and mine was also the primary breadwinner of my parents. She did something smart when I was 13 or so, and showed me where her bi-weekly paycheck went. Although she loved teaching, I was clear that it was also a non-negotiable economic necessity. For those writing moms who are lucky enough to earn a living at it, I think this is a simple technique that also teaches their kids economic literacy/reality. For writing Moms who have to do something else for a living, I think the same general rule applies.
I am of the generation when large families were common, and my overstretched mother (and my husband's - I was one of five, he of six) were able to depend on us kids to raise each other in many ways. The older ones taught the younger ones, and we had delicious shifting alliances. I think the millennial generation, who rarely have more than two kids and sometimes only one, are in many ways at a disadvantage. There is far more pressure on the parents to be super-Moms or Dads, always there, always understanding, never disappointing, being defacto siblings and well as parents.
It's hardly traumatic for Nina for you to not be there for every one of her performances. She might well have other fodder for a therapist's couch (who doesn't) but that will not be one of the memories that wounds her. I contend that these minor disappointments are, in fact, strengthening, preparing her for the real world full of far more difficult ones.
(By the way, what's the name of the Anne-Laure's mother in "I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You?" In the audiobook, the narrator pronounces it "In-ay" and I'm thinking he's mispronouncing "Inès", leaving off the "s." He's a very good actor, but I'm afraid his French is often lacking. )
Wow, Courtney - I felt this one in my bones. Feel bad but not guilty. Yes. Thanks for that distinction.
Good for you, Courtney! As a mother, I digested guilt three meals a day! I never felt like I gave my daughter enough. Now looking back, even though I worked at least sixty hours per week as a physician, I wonder if I still didn’t manage to smother her in many ways. Who knows? Anyway, I very much admire your commitment to you! And My guess is that your little Iago will remember her play as a roaring success, and after the fact, never remember you weren’t there for the wrap. Kudos to you both!!
First, I want to just recognize that I don’t really have the authority to speak in this space because I’m not a mother, but I want to say a few things.
1) I know you’re incredible writer based on your work and it sure sounds like you’re a pretty great mom as well, so there’s the answer to your question. 😁
2) As a work-from-home dad and husband who has scratched and clawed for over two decades to write and write and write and make some money along the way, this post really hit home for me. THANK YOU for writing it.
It’s always worth us remembering as parents that our kids don’t do what we tell them they do what we show them. You’re showing your daughter how important it is that she sometimes puts herself first and that’s as loving as it gets.
Thank you Courtney I needed this so much --leaving soon for my first residency since having kids (they’re 9 and 11!) and have been feeling big guilt as I prepare to go .... thank you for the empowerment ❤️
wow i really needed this today. thank you ♥️
Thank you for this!