I feel you. As someone who does long bouts of sobriety off and on because of all the reasons you’ve stated, and mostly to benefit my skin and sleep—may I introduce you to non-alcoholic red wine from Whole Foods.
Yes, there is a brand of NA red wine there that tastes amazing. It gives me that same feeling of glam at dinner and the same taste with no harmful repercussions. I often bring a bottle with me to dinner parties.
Wish I could remember the name, but there are only one or two brands usually at the store, so just try them all.
Huh- interesting! The closest Whole Foods to me is 45 minutes away-- that's one of the tricky things is living in the boonies! But I'll certainly look for it next time I'm there, thank you for sharing!
Ahh country life! Well, no worries, you can also order it online since it isn’t actually booze. If you search non-alcoholic red and hit the shopping options on google you will see many choices.
Courtney, I was a little older than you when my body just stopped tolerating alcohol. I can’t drink any of it anymore, not wine, beer, spirits, without getting a massive headache and just generally feeling dizzy and awful. I wanted to write a reported piece about it, but the experts I reached out to told me there have been zero studies on alcohol tolerance and aging. When I wrote a post about this for Oldster, many people (mostly women) commented that they had also stopped being able to enjoy drinking--either some kinds of alcohol, or all kinds, like me. I’m sorry it’s happening to you, too! See: https://oldster.substack.com/p/how-dry-i-am
Thanks for sharing this Courtney. After 25 years of no wine. I started in my late 40's because I live in a French culture of wine lovers. I love it but the need to cut back is looming. Deborah
When I was about to turn 50 two years ago, it was like my body was suddenly completely rejecting alcohol. Whereas I could "handle" it before, suddenly any amount of red wine meant I didn't sleep much and had a rip-roaring headache for half the following day. I couldn't tell if all of this was, in-fact, wine-related, or if it was perimenopause (which also gave me headaches). I gave up drinking for the month of my birthday. It was definitely the drinking, for me. Later I learned that some women's bodies stop being able to metabolize alcohol in perimenopause. NEWS TO ME. Anyway. I like sleeping and not having headaches, so I'm still not drinking. It's nice that there are so many people also not drinking, so if I say "Nah, I don't drink" no one cares.
So true ! There are a lot of people commenting here that gave up drinking in their twenties so it's true that it doesn't even seem generational, it's truly a trend, people moving away from alcohol. Thank you for sharing.
The connection between alcohol and fun is so intertwined! I've been sober 14 years now, but I still feel like a bonnet-donning Puritan every time I decline champagne at a wedding. But when I wake up the next morning after dancing HARD to Usher and Whitney Houston--there's no hangover. No headache. So it's worth it, bonnet and all. Reevaluating a changing relationship to a substance is hard work. Wishing you peace as you do that work.
I so feel this. Like, so much. Fellow insomniac, totally get all of this. Anyway, a few years ago I realized that my relationship with alcohol was not what I wanted it to be -- I didn't drink often but when I did, I was usually using it to cover up social anxiety, and I finally was like, Heyyyyy maybe deal with the social anxiety and the anxiety/panic disorder in general? Which, not easy. Whew. Please know that none of this is meant to be prescriptive AT ALL because everyone's path is different, but now before going out I usually take a CBD capsule. CBD/CBN products have been great for me on this front (as well as prescription anxiety meds I don't use often but def need on hand). I go into the legal weed stores and say to the budtender, I do not want to get high, what do you have that will help with sleep, and then give me a different gummy for anxiety -- and believe me I use the sleep gummies every night. Happy to rec products if anyone wants recs (Incredibles Snoozeberry sleep gummies are the best but locally every store is out of them, argh. Camino is also good.)
Anyway I had to have a big ol' reckoning with myself about how much social events (even ones I enjoy!) take out of me and how much life itself was taking out of me because blah blah blah be a perfect female superwoman, the usual programming we all get. So, my deal: I decided one January a few years back to try to not consume alcohol for a year. I made it to July, then had a few drinks in the remainder of that year. Then the following January, decided to give it another try. Made it the whole year and realized that I still definitely like and enjoy cocktails and (especially sparkling) wine, but my relationship with alcohol was different. Not, in any way shape or form, telling anyone else that any of this will work for them; not presuming at all. Just sending big huge hunks of respect to everything you said here, and I really get that it's really hard to re-think this relationship with a substance that can be so fun and can have so many comforting and positive associations.
Also, mini-rant -- why has it taken the industry so long to make more tiny/wee bottles of wine available? I still drink, pretty rarely, but now and then. But I now buy (usually from chain grocery stores) small bottles or cans of bubbly, and they are game-changers. About once a month (if that), I crack one open and drink it, and that's that -- no more guilt about "well, I opened this regular bottle of sparkling wine, so now, I can't let it go to waste, I'll try to finish it" after my husband has had his token one-ounce serving. I honestly am glad there appear to be more small-size to-go alcohol servings. Now I'm a once-a-month small bubbly bottle-haver, and not to brag but yes, my life is exactly that exciting.
There's a lot of emotion caught up in this stuff and it's hard to process. On top of that, the stress of the last several years... just beyond. And so of course, like a Smart Person, I went without a therapist for the first year-plus of the pandemic (REALLY dumb choice on my part, major whoops). Genuinely did not know how to find a new therapist (my first had been a referral from a friend and I saw her for 20 years). Eventually I looked on the Psychology Today website a couple years ago and I found a great new therapist there. I don't know if I just lucked out or what but I'm so glad I tried that site. We were in person at first but then she moved out of state and we're going strong on Zoom.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty, Courtney, seriously. I appreciate it. I'm about a decade older than you and these changes are so real and they ain't easy. And thanks to everyone sharing their stories.
I love everything you've shared, thank you-- and YES why aren't they making smaller bottles of wine? I also hear you on the sparkling thing. I've been thinking maybe I should make a rule that I only drink champagne which wouldn't happen often because of the price, because champagne makes me feel joyful and I handle it (regarding the feeling the next day and sleep) really well. I have also started taking gummies to sleep ("Calm" from Charlotte's Web) which has helped quite a lot. Thank you for sharing your experience(s) here!
So glad the gummies help! And yeah, sparkling wine for me definitely has the fun factor of "wooo, now it's a party!" But it's only a small bottle or can, and if I have it early in the evening, by 10 pm I don't even feel it any more and I sleep OK usually. Also, sometimes I stretch it out a bit by using a dash of a fruit flavored syrups and other liquid elements to make it into more of a spritzer (or two pretty low alcohol spritzers). Delicious! And my body responds a lot differently to white/sparkling than it does to red wine, I'm with you there.
Thank you so much for this post and the lively discussion it prompted!
As a functioning alcoholic (well, ‘functioning’ until bedtime) I have drunk the equivalent of the Dead Sea in red wine. I cannot get any sleep without being positively inebriated, and on the rare occasions that I try, I lie awake tossing and turning all night and (weirdly?) having to pee every hour.
I’m surprised to learn that most here find that alcohol disrupts their sleep when on me it has the opposite effect. Cradled by a bottle of red, I sleep like a baby, and wake up the old woman I am with little to no repercussion. It doesn’t help that alcohol allows me to post comments like this – which my sober self would be way too shy to consider. Is there a way out of this mess (asking for my liver)?
Thank you for sharing! I don't feel qualified to ask whether there is a way out but, like everyone who has a co-dependent relationship on either toxic substances or toxic people, that co-dependency is probably something that you would be healthier and happier without in the long term. I hope you've found some of the other comments and anecdotes here comforting and eye opening. Thanks for listening and sharing.
Well, well, well...I read this just after I returned home after our Wednesday Happy Hour. Let me set the scene: Home is a 43' catamaran motor yacht currently at dock due to hurricane season; the marina offers 'Happy Hour' every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. They provide the beer and wine (both red and white, to be clear), and we cruisers bring snacks to share. It's a lovely way to socialize, and it's perfectly acceptable that not everyone partakes of the libations. I do--I'm a white wine drinker. But at 57 YEARS OLD, my little one, I have learned to limit myself to 2 glasses. First, hot flashes are REAL and they last well beyond "the moment of pause" (file that away for future reference). And second, I concur that there's a grapevine intertwined with the memories of youth. Do I think one needs to confront the fact that if one's youth is in the rear-view mirror, one should no longer partake of fermented memory refreshers? Nope. I personally like the taste of wine and enjoy it on occasion with certain foods. But I no longer wish to polish off my half of a bottle. I have many friends who've done the frigid turkey thing. To each their own. I can tell you, however, that I've very much enjoyed this personal note of yours (you had me at the hyperlinked "hiding from my psychotic ex"!) and applaud you for your honesty, transparency, and authenticity in addressing seemingly minor developments which happen as we age. In truth, every human is forever changing. Making observations and admissions like this not only expresses your truth and vulnerability, but shines a light on shared experiences of others and ignites personal insights--if not entire conversations--illuminating how alike we all are. Thank you for that.
What a vulnerable topic - brava and thank you for sharing. While I was the occasional social drinker on weekends, after having twins 14 years ago it dwindled to next to nothing. The few outings in which I let loose, I went hard (ahem, twins) and would feel the hangover for days. Becoming a teetotaler was the only way for me; it's been nine years. I believe I would have let myself have a glass of wine or a fun summery drink on rare occasions if I wanted one, but I have sipped my husband's a few times and don't even like the taste anymore. And, as many here have referenced, menopause is hell on alcohol. I genuinely believe my journey through hot flashes, HRT and the like were tamer as a result. Good luck to you!
This post feels timely in both a macro and micro way. On the micro level, I read it immediately upon returning from a quick stop at our tiny, overpriced local market where I picked up some things for dinner and stocked up on a few beverages "just for fun." I bought a kombucha, a lavender dry soda, another bottle of a Rioja my husband and I recently enjoyed, and two mini 'cocktails in a can'. I think my "all over the place" approach here illustrates my current ambivalence toward my own relationship with alcohol and what to reach for when I want something that feels rewarding and more fun than water at the end of a long day.
On a macro level, I turned 40 in August, and have experienced some heightened awareness surrounding alcohol in recent years:
1) beyond a single glass or so, it almost always messes with my sleep (as many of you have shared, it makes my brain feel wired and though I may fall asleep at a normal-ish time, I often wake up at 2am buzzing, wide awake and it may take hours to wind down again)
2) it's empty calories that translate to extra weight, the shedding of which is *not* as easy as it used to be...
3) I have an increasing awareness and sensitivity around the language and culture I embrace surrounding alcohol. I'm more aware of my sober friends, of being sure to have "fun" non-alcoholic options when I host a gathering, and of how often I use the clinking champagne glasses emoji (very often)
I've never been one to drink whatever is lying around just to "get drunk," and can count on one hand the number of times I've had more drinks than I can count on one hand. I had my first full drink on my 21st birthday. My parents never had wine at the dinner table when I was a kid. In my teens and twenties I spent many years working in fine dining where - unlike most teens and young adults who are introduced to alcohol via the stuff of frat parties or mini-mart beer runs - I only knew the world of craft beer on draft and fine wine that was studied and absorbed as both an art and a science, from a very early age. I knew how to take a detailed martini order years before I could drink one.
I've still never had a PBR or Bud Light. Call me a snob, but I truly enjoy a well-made cocktail, a good glass of wine, or a pint of beer at a baseball game. And I'll usually suffer little to no consequences with just one. But like Courtney said, in social environments, or if that bottle is already open, it's so easy to keep going, and so easy to feel shitty later that night and beyond.
I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy a happy buzz, that it hasn't heightened and elevated many a party, date night, or dinner with friends. When I'm stressed and burned out at the end of the day, the ritual of a glass of red wine while I'm cooking, or my husband making me a margarita feels warm and fuzzy. I feel like I've earned it, and am not looking to feel shamed for that. I'm not looking to give up alcohol, but it's more of a conscious decision for me, these days.
I don't have it all forever figured out, by any stretch. But I'm here for the conversation, and appreciate knowing so many of you relate to *all the things*, and - especially - that none of us are trying to pretend we have all the answers or tell each other what to do. <3
Yes! I'm loving (and appreciating) the non prescriptive comments here, people just generously and vulnerably sharing what they've learned and know they still have to learn. Hooray for us and thank you all for being so kind and supportive of one another (and of me!)
I think the helpful question for you to ask before you pour is whether you're actually still enjoying the feeling it gives you. You're clear that you are not enjoying the consequences, the disturbed sleep and the next-day fuzzy head, but I would bet that the actual buzz doesn't give you that relief/reward/giggles that it used to give you. That you continue anyway because the association is so strong with that pleasant feeling that you seek it out just one more time, even if the rational part of your brain recognizes that wine no longer works that way on your aging brain. This is a depressing realization most of us "d'un certain age" also resist. But to successfully "uncouple", I think you have to also grieve the loss of that buzz, particularly the lowering of inhibitions that you associate with "having a good time", and easy social lubrication. You may need to do some work to accept that that ship has sailed for completely neurological reasons, and recognize that it is a real loss. Quitting doesn't just mean losing the ill effects, but also the idea of relief and fun you associate with red wine that was very real for so many years. And allow yourself to be bummed about it. And you don't have to vow to never drink again. Just to give yourself a long enough break for your brain to readjust somewhat - for decent sleep and unfuzzy head to become the new normal you can't imagine losing. And getting older will just naturally make you find that red-wine personality-change far less attractive. It's kind of relief to grow out of that person (which I was in SPADES.)
I think a metaphor might be the empty-nest feeling you no doubt will have when your daughter goes off the college. You'll have to mourn her absence, but recognize how pissed off you are at time itself, which simply will not allow your daughter to ever be 3, 8, 12, 15 etc. again. (I just turned 65, and am furious that my great nieces and nephews are getting older. And I still struggle with the utter inner conviction that I would still be 39 or 49 if I had only done this one thing differently in my past. I have to constantly remind myself that the only way to have stayed young would be to have died young, and on my dying bed I would have done anything to have my lifespan expanded by 20 or 30 years. In fact, I did almost die, and I did pray for that, and my prayers were answered.)
The other metaphor is breaking off a friend that has become toxic, but who one you dearly, dearly adored. The loss of that old friendship has to be mourned, even if it had changed into something intolerable.
Hi Courtney, I love your transparency and honesty - reaching out to the list. I celebrated 33 years sober yesterday; picked up a coin with three X's and three III's - so much fun! I did get sober relatively young - at 26. So I was in the height of my youth, and had done a lot of fun drinking in Ireland where I studied for junior year abroad and returned for a masters degree in lit. I interrailed several times around Europe, drank the red wine in Paris, lived in Poland two summers when Solidarity was underground: All of this was intimately tied up with my youth, exploration, spontaneity, adulting, etc. HOWEVER. There were times when I felt I was ancient, so tired. Drained. Older than my 90+ year old grandmother in her cottage in County Clare. Sobriety gave me back my youth, my vitality, my clarity. No, it's not been all rainbows and unicorns: it's not an easy road. Simple, but not easy. Th e bottom line is full on honesty. Alcohol impacts women profoundly - in general. At the end of my drinking, mostly it was two or three glasses of wine (or beer) most nights after work. Appropriate - perhaps, but for me, I came face to face with the truth that I couldn't handle it. I needed to stop. And to stop (with all the people around me who drank and all my habits and associations), I could not "just say no." I needed the support and the strength of recovery. It's a beautiful thing. Very Ick when one is on the other side of the door, but surprisingly wonderful. Enjoy your time in New Mexico. It's transformative. I have lived here for 15 years, first Taos, now Placitas, north of Albuquerque, and wild horses (which abound in Placitas) couldn't drag me away! Wishing you all the best with your journey of separation and possible divorce from red wine/alcohol.
My markers of aging don't personally include wine (can i introduce you to the ice cream I can no longer eat?), but I feel this in my bones. There's a grief to feeling like I don't entirely know my body the way I used to, even while there are things about being in my mid-40s that I love.
What a brave and honest and much needed essay. Since you’ve obviously read the sober writers I have, I don’t need to tell you about them but I will recall one of Holly’s statements that brought me much solace when I was in a similar place to the one you are now (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t quite remember her exact words): sometimes knowing is enough. Knowing is part of the process, part of the recovery. I’m coming up on two years sober now and none of the time I spent drinking AND knowing was wasted. It all matters, and it all counts. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more.
OMG, I'm in camp I FEEL THIS. I'm 54 & until this past July had been a (mostly) daily drinker for decades. Since my dad quit drinking (w/ AA) when I was a teen, I've always scrutinized my own habit. I've twice dappled with 12-step programs and felt repelled. I don't identify as an alcoholic—and no one in my life has ever intimated that I should. Last spring I was telling my life-long bestie over a bottle of red wine that I have no plans to quit drinking alcohol ever: Cheers! The next month I was listening to the memoir of a brilliant woman who has dedicated her life to investing in & coaching women & BIPOC business founders. She said she used to love drinking, then listened to a book called THIS NAKED MIND by Annie Grace and stopped spontaneously never to look back. Totally curious, I listened to Grace's book and found it transformative. It's not a perfect book, but it illuminated for me how fucked up our culture is about alcohol. It's an addictive substance for everyone who drinks it long enough. The risks and side effects are discussed in our culture as if only certain "diseased" people need be wary. The myths are that we need to hit rock bottom in order to make a change, and then we need to count the days of sobriety like perfectionists—any slips deemed utter failure that bring us back to a dreaded day zero. Meanwhile, the joy of drinking is marketed to us just the way anti-aging products are. We're up against trillion-dollar industries. Grace's work liberated me from all that. Since July, when I occasionally chose to drink with intention (collecting data, with curiosity), I wasn't plagued by self-judgement or fear of succumbing to a disease. Since July, I mostly don't drink. I'm figuring it out; but wow, what a relief to learn that I don't have to choose between my old habits vs. AA. There are a lot of options for people wanting to get free from what alcohol does to bodies. It is possible to make changes without toil & despair. Oh, and Courtney, because you mentioned therapists, I also want to add, that in recent years, I've found working with feminist thought-work coaches super helpful. I've had wonderful therapists in my past, but coaching gave me so many tools that therapy never did.
I feel you. As someone who does long bouts of sobriety off and on because of all the reasons you’ve stated, and mostly to benefit my skin and sleep—may I introduce you to non-alcoholic red wine from Whole Foods.
Yes, there is a brand of NA red wine there that tastes amazing. It gives me that same feeling of glam at dinner and the same taste with no harmful repercussions. I often bring a bottle with me to dinner parties.
Wish I could remember the name, but there are only one or two brands usually at the store, so just try them all.
Huh- interesting! The closest Whole Foods to me is 45 minutes away-- that's one of the tricky things is living in the boonies! But I'll certainly look for it next time I'm there, thank you for sharing!
Ahh country life! Well, no worries, you can also order it online since it isn’t actually booze. If you search non-alcoholic red and hit the shopping options on google you will see many choices.
Courtney, I was a little older than you when my body just stopped tolerating alcohol. I can’t drink any of it anymore, not wine, beer, spirits, without getting a massive headache and just generally feeling dizzy and awful. I wanted to write a reported piece about it, but the experts I reached out to told me there have been zero studies on alcohol tolerance and aging. When I wrote a post about this for Oldster, many people (mostly women) commented that they had also stopped being able to enjoy drinking--either some kinds of alcohol, or all kinds, like me. I’m sorry it’s happening to you, too! See: https://oldster.substack.com/p/how-dry-i-am
That's insane that they claimed there weren't studies and it's more insane if it is true! Thank you for sharing and for reading, Sari.
I tried to find studies and could not! <3
I’m the same... or was, until I discovered natural wine! Total game-changer for me.
Thanks for sharing this Courtney. After 25 years of no wine. I started in my late 40's because I live in a French culture of wine lovers. I love it but the need to cut back is looming. Deborah
When I was about to turn 50 two years ago, it was like my body was suddenly completely rejecting alcohol. Whereas I could "handle" it before, suddenly any amount of red wine meant I didn't sleep much and had a rip-roaring headache for half the following day. I couldn't tell if all of this was, in-fact, wine-related, or if it was perimenopause (which also gave me headaches). I gave up drinking for the month of my birthday. It was definitely the drinking, for me. Later I learned that some women's bodies stop being able to metabolize alcohol in perimenopause. NEWS TO ME. Anyway. I like sleeping and not having headaches, so I'm still not drinking. It's nice that there are so many people also not drinking, so if I say "Nah, I don't drink" no one cares.
So true ! There are a lot of people commenting here that gave up drinking in their twenties so it's true that it doesn't even seem generational, it's truly a trend, people moving away from alcohol. Thank you for sharing.
The connection between alcohol and fun is so intertwined! I've been sober 14 years now, but I still feel like a bonnet-donning Puritan every time I decline champagne at a wedding. But when I wake up the next morning after dancing HARD to Usher and Whitney Houston--there's no hangover. No headache. So it's worth it, bonnet and all. Reevaluating a changing relationship to a substance is hard work. Wishing you peace as you do that work.
Thanks Emma! And who doesn't like a bonnet? They are fetching!
I so feel this. Like, so much. Fellow insomniac, totally get all of this. Anyway, a few years ago I realized that my relationship with alcohol was not what I wanted it to be -- I didn't drink often but when I did, I was usually using it to cover up social anxiety, and I finally was like, Heyyyyy maybe deal with the social anxiety and the anxiety/panic disorder in general? Which, not easy. Whew. Please know that none of this is meant to be prescriptive AT ALL because everyone's path is different, but now before going out I usually take a CBD capsule. CBD/CBN products have been great for me on this front (as well as prescription anxiety meds I don't use often but def need on hand). I go into the legal weed stores and say to the budtender, I do not want to get high, what do you have that will help with sleep, and then give me a different gummy for anxiety -- and believe me I use the sleep gummies every night. Happy to rec products if anyone wants recs (Incredibles Snoozeberry sleep gummies are the best but locally every store is out of them, argh. Camino is also good.)
Anyway I had to have a big ol' reckoning with myself about how much social events (even ones I enjoy!) take out of me and how much life itself was taking out of me because blah blah blah be a perfect female superwoman, the usual programming we all get. So, my deal: I decided one January a few years back to try to not consume alcohol for a year. I made it to July, then had a few drinks in the remainder of that year. Then the following January, decided to give it another try. Made it the whole year and realized that I still definitely like and enjoy cocktails and (especially sparkling) wine, but my relationship with alcohol was different. Not, in any way shape or form, telling anyone else that any of this will work for them; not presuming at all. Just sending big huge hunks of respect to everything you said here, and I really get that it's really hard to re-think this relationship with a substance that can be so fun and can have so many comforting and positive associations.
Also, mini-rant -- why has it taken the industry so long to make more tiny/wee bottles of wine available? I still drink, pretty rarely, but now and then. But I now buy (usually from chain grocery stores) small bottles or cans of bubbly, and they are game-changers. About once a month (if that), I crack one open and drink it, and that's that -- no more guilt about "well, I opened this regular bottle of sparkling wine, so now, I can't let it go to waste, I'll try to finish it" after my husband has had his token one-ounce serving. I honestly am glad there appear to be more small-size to-go alcohol servings. Now I'm a once-a-month small bubbly bottle-haver, and not to brag but yes, my life is exactly that exciting.
There's a lot of emotion caught up in this stuff and it's hard to process. On top of that, the stress of the last several years... just beyond. And so of course, like a Smart Person, I went without a therapist for the first year-plus of the pandemic (REALLY dumb choice on my part, major whoops). Genuinely did not know how to find a new therapist (my first had been a referral from a friend and I saw her for 20 years). Eventually I looked on the Psychology Today website a couple years ago and I found a great new therapist there. I don't know if I just lucked out or what but I'm so glad I tried that site. We were in person at first but then she moved out of state and we're going strong on Zoom.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty, Courtney, seriously. I appreciate it. I'm about a decade older than you and these changes are so real and they ain't easy. And thanks to everyone sharing their stories.
I love everything you've shared, thank you-- and YES why aren't they making smaller bottles of wine? I also hear you on the sparkling thing. I've been thinking maybe I should make a rule that I only drink champagne which wouldn't happen often because of the price, because champagne makes me feel joyful and I handle it (regarding the feeling the next day and sleep) really well. I have also started taking gummies to sleep ("Calm" from Charlotte's Web) which has helped quite a lot. Thank you for sharing your experience(s) here!
So glad the gummies help! And yeah, sparkling wine for me definitely has the fun factor of "wooo, now it's a party!" But it's only a small bottle or can, and if I have it early in the evening, by 10 pm I don't even feel it any more and I sleep OK usually. Also, sometimes I stretch it out a bit by using a dash of a fruit flavored syrups and other liquid elements to make it into more of a spritzer (or two pretty low alcohol spritzers). Delicious! And my body responds a lot differently to white/sparkling than it does to red wine, I'm with you there.
Thank you so much for this post and the lively discussion it prompted!
As a functioning alcoholic (well, ‘functioning’ until bedtime) I have drunk the equivalent of the Dead Sea in red wine. I cannot get any sleep without being positively inebriated, and on the rare occasions that I try, I lie awake tossing and turning all night and (weirdly?) having to pee every hour.
I’m surprised to learn that most here find that alcohol disrupts their sleep when on me it has the opposite effect. Cradled by a bottle of red, I sleep like a baby, and wake up the old woman I am with little to no repercussion. It doesn’t help that alcohol allows me to post comments like this – which my sober self would be way too shy to consider. Is there a way out of this mess (asking for my liver)?
Thank you for sharing! I don't feel qualified to ask whether there is a way out but, like everyone who has a co-dependent relationship on either toxic substances or toxic people, that co-dependency is probably something that you would be healthier and happier without in the long term. I hope you've found some of the other comments and anecdotes here comforting and eye opening. Thanks for listening and sharing.
Well, well, well...I read this just after I returned home after our Wednesday Happy Hour. Let me set the scene: Home is a 43' catamaran motor yacht currently at dock due to hurricane season; the marina offers 'Happy Hour' every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. They provide the beer and wine (both red and white, to be clear), and we cruisers bring snacks to share. It's a lovely way to socialize, and it's perfectly acceptable that not everyone partakes of the libations. I do--I'm a white wine drinker. But at 57 YEARS OLD, my little one, I have learned to limit myself to 2 glasses. First, hot flashes are REAL and they last well beyond "the moment of pause" (file that away for future reference). And second, I concur that there's a grapevine intertwined with the memories of youth. Do I think one needs to confront the fact that if one's youth is in the rear-view mirror, one should no longer partake of fermented memory refreshers? Nope. I personally like the taste of wine and enjoy it on occasion with certain foods. But I no longer wish to polish off my half of a bottle. I have many friends who've done the frigid turkey thing. To each their own. I can tell you, however, that I've very much enjoyed this personal note of yours (you had me at the hyperlinked "hiding from my psychotic ex"!) and applaud you for your honesty, transparency, and authenticity in addressing seemingly minor developments which happen as we age. In truth, every human is forever changing. Making observations and admissions like this not only expresses your truth and vulnerability, but shines a light on shared experiences of others and ignites personal insights--if not entire conversations--illuminating how alike we all are. Thank you for that.
It sounds like you have a super fun community and I am beaming at being called "a little one." Thank you for sharing, Wendy!
What a vulnerable topic - brava and thank you for sharing. While I was the occasional social drinker on weekends, after having twins 14 years ago it dwindled to next to nothing. The few outings in which I let loose, I went hard (ahem, twins) and would feel the hangover for days. Becoming a teetotaler was the only way for me; it's been nine years. I believe I would have let myself have a glass of wine or a fun summery drink on rare occasions if I wanted one, but I have sipped my husband's a few times and don't even like the taste anymore. And, as many here have referenced, menopause is hell on alcohol. I genuinely believe my journey through hot flashes, HRT and the like were tamer as a result. Good luck to you!
Thanks so much Christine for sharing the the above-- you had me laughing at loud about the twins!
This post feels timely in both a macro and micro way. On the micro level, I read it immediately upon returning from a quick stop at our tiny, overpriced local market where I picked up some things for dinner and stocked up on a few beverages "just for fun." I bought a kombucha, a lavender dry soda, another bottle of a Rioja my husband and I recently enjoyed, and two mini 'cocktails in a can'. I think my "all over the place" approach here illustrates my current ambivalence toward my own relationship with alcohol and what to reach for when I want something that feels rewarding and more fun than water at the end of a long day.
On a macro level, I turned 40 in August, and have experienced some heightened awareness surrounding alcohol in recent years:
1) beyond a single glass or so, it almost always messes with my sleep (as many of you have shared, it makes my brain feel wired and though I may fall asleep at a normal-ish time, I often wake up at 2am buzzing, wide awake and it may take hours to wind down again)
2) it's empty calories that translate to extra weight, the shedding of which is *not* as easy as it used to be...
3) I have an increasing awareness and sensitivity around the language and culture I embrace surrounding alcohol. I'm more aware of my sober friends, of being sure to have "fun" non-alcoholic options when I host a gathering, and of how often I use the clinking champagne glasses emoji (very often)
I've never been one to drink whatever is lying around just to "get drunk," and can count on one hand the number of times I've had more drinks than I can count on one hand. I had my first full drink on my 21st birthday. My parents never had wine at the dinner table when I was a kid. In my teens and twenties I spent many years working in fine dining where - unlike most teens and young adults who are introduced to alcohol via the stuff of frat parties or mini-mart beer runs - I only knew the world of craft beer on draft and fine wine that was studied and absorbed as both an art and a science, from a very early age. I knew how to take a detailed martini order years before I could drink one.
I've still never had a PBR or Bud Light. Call me a snob, but I truly enjoy a well-made cocktail, a good glass of wine, or a pint of beer at a baseball game. And I'll usually suffer little to no consequences with just one. But like Courtney said, in social environments, or if that bottle is already open, it's so easy to keep going, and so easy to feel shitty later that night and beyond.
I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy a happy buzz, that it hasn't heightened and elevated many a party, date night, or dinner with friends. When I'm stressed and burned out at the end of the day, the ritual of a glass of red wine while I'm cooking, or my husband making me a margarita feels warm and fuzzy. I feel like I've earned it, and am not looking to feel shamed for that. I'm not looking to give up alcohol, but it's more of a conscious decision for me, these days.
I don't have it all forever figured out, by any stretch. But I'm here for the conversation, and appreciate knowing so many of you relate to *all the things*, and - especially - that none of us are trying to pretend we have all the answers or tell each other what to do. <3
Yes! I'm loving (and appreciating) the non prescriptive comments here, people just generously and vulnerably sharing what they've learned and know they still have to learn. Hooray for us and thank you all for being so kind and supportive of one another (and of me!)
I think the helpful question for you to ask before you pour is whether you're actually still enjoying the feeling it gives you. You're clear that you are not enjoying the consequences, the disturbed sleep and the next-day fuzzy head, but I would bet that the actual buzz doesn't give you that relief/reward/giggles that it used to give you. That you continue anyway because the association is so strong with that pleasant feeling that you seek it out just one more time, even if the rational part of your brain recognizes that wine no longer works that way on your aging brain. This is a depressing realization most of us "d'un certain age" also resist. But to successfully "uncouple", I think you have to also grieve the loss of that buzz, particularly the lowering of inhibitions that you associate with "having a good time", and easy social lubrication. You may need to do some work to accept that that ship has sailed for completely neurological reasons, and recognize that it is a real loss. Quitting doesn't just mean losing the ill effects, but also the idea of relief and fun you associate with red wine that was very real for so many years. And allow yourself to be bummed about it. And you don't have to vow to never drink again. Just to give yourself a long enough break for your brain to readjust somewhat - for decent sleep and unfuzzy head to become the new normal you can't imagine losing. And getting older will just naturally make you find that red-wine personality-change far less attractive. It's kind of relief to grow out of that person (which I was in SPADES.)
I think a metaphor might be the empty-nest feeling you no doubt will have when your daughter goes off the college. You'll have to mourn her absence, but recognize how pissed off you are at time itself, which simply will not allow your daughter to ever be 3, 8, 12, 15 etc. again. (I just turned 65, and am furious that my great nieces and nephews are getting older. And I still struggle with the utter inner conviction that I would still be 39 or 49 if I had only done this one thing differently in my past. I have to constantly remind myself that the only way to have stayed young would be to have died young, and on my dying bed I would have done anything to have my lifespan expanded by 20 or 30 years. In fact, I did almost die, and I did pray for that, and my prayers were answered.)
The other metaphor is breaking off a friend that has become toxic, but who one you dearly, dearly adored. The loss of that old friendship has to be mourned, even if it had changed into something intolerable.
Thank you Mark, well said!
Hi Courtney, I love your transparency and honesty - reaching out to the list. I celebrated 33 years sober yesterday; picked up a coin with three X's and three III's - so much fun! I did get sober relatively young - at 26. So I was in the height of my youth, and had done a lot of fun drinking in Ireland where I studied for junior year abroad and returned for a masters degree in lit. I interrailed several times around Europe, drank the red wine in Paris, lived in Poland two summers when Solidarity was underground: All of this was intimately tied up with my youth, exploration, spontaneity, adulting, etc. HOWEVER. There were times when I felt I was ancient, so tired. Drained. Older than my 90+ year old grandmother in her cottage in County Clare. Sobriety gave me back my youth, my vitality, my clarity. No, it's not been all rainbows and unicorns: it's not an easy road. Simple, but not easy. Th e bottom line is full on honesty. Alcohol impacts women profoundly - in general. At the end of my drinking, mostly it was two or three glasses of wine (or beer) most nights after work. Appropriate - perhaps, but for me, I came face to face with the truth that I couldn't handle it. I needed to stop. And to stop (with all the people around me who drank and all my habits and associations), I could not "just say no." I needed the support and the strength of recovery. It's a beautiful thing. Very Ick when one is on the other side of the door, but surprisingly wonderful. Enjoy your time in New Mexico. It's transformative. I have lived here for 15 years, first Taos, now Placitas, north of Albuquerque, and wild horses (which abound in Placitas) couldn't drag me away! Wishing you all the best with your journey of separation and possible divorce from red wine/alcohol.
Thank you Laura, and thank you for sharing!
My markers of aging don't personally include wine (can i introduce you to the ice cream I can no longer eat?), but I feel this in my bones. There's a grief to feeling like I don't entirely know my body the way I used to, even while there are things about being in my mid-40s that I love.
I eat ice cream but I don't digest it well at all! Right there with you.
What a brave and honest and much needed essay. Since you’ve obviously read the sober writers I have, I don’t need to tell you about them but I will recall one of Holly’s statements that brought me much solace when I was in a similar place to the one you are now (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t quite remember her exact words): sometimes knowing is enough. Knowing is part of the process, part of the recovery. I’m coming up on two years sober now and none of the time I spent drinking AND knowing was wasted. It all matters, and it all counts. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more.
Congratulations on your sobriety, that's awesome! Thanks for sharing, Kerri.
OMG, I'm in camp I FEEL THIS. I'm 54 & until this past July had been a (mostly) daily drinker for decades. Since my dad quit drinking (w/ AA) when I was a teen, I've always scrutinized my own habit. I've twice dappled with 12-step programs and felt repelled. I don't identify as an alcoholic—and no one in my life has ever intimated that I should. Last spring I was telling my life-long bestie over a bottle of red wine that I have no plans to quit drinking alcohol ever: Cheers! The next month I was listening to the memoir of a brilliant woman who has dedicated her life to investing in & coaching women & BIPOC business founders. She said she used to love drinking, then listened to a book called THIS NAKED MIND by Annie Grace and stopped spontaneously never to look back. Totally curious, I listened to Grace's book and found it transformative. It's not a perfect book, but it illuminated for me how fucked up our culture is about alcohol. It's an addictive substance for everyone who drinks it long enough. The risks and side effects are discussed in our culture as if only certain "diseased" people need be wary. The myths are that we need to hit rock bottom in order to make a change, and then we need to count the days of sobriety like perfectionists—any slips deemed utter failure that bring us back to a dreaded day zero. Meanwhile, the joy of drinking is marketed to us just the way anti-aging products are. We're up against trillion-dollar industries. Grace's work liberated me from all that. Since July, when I occasionally chose to drink with intention (collecting data, with curiosity), I wasn't plagued by self-judgement or fear of succumbing to a disease. Since July, I mostly don't drink. I'm figuring it out; but wow, what a relief to learn that I don't have to choose between my old habits vs. AA. There are a lot of options for people wanting to get free from what alcohol does to bodies. It is possible to make changes without toil & despair. Oh, and Courtney, because you mentioned therapists, I also want to add, that in recent years, I've found working with feminist thought-work coaches super helpful. I've had wonderful therapists in my past, but coaching gave me so many tools that therapy never did.
Thank you so much for sharing Ruth, and for listing THIS NAKED MIND which I actually hadn't heard of! Adding it right now to my must-read list.