I. COULD. NOT. FEEL. THIS. ANY. HARDER. All of it. The whole thing. Recently, I didn't drink at all for 10 days (I know, where is my medal?!) because I was sick, and as I was finally getting better, I had a few good nights of sleep in a row. Last night, I had one (1!) glass of red wine around 9pm, just to "wind down" and enjoy a few chapters of my book (GLOSSSY by Marisa Meltzer; so good). I went to sleep at 11:30pm and was wide awake and feeling utterly crapulent at 4am. This is not a new pattern, alas. I said to myself, 'Self, maybe you can't drink red wine anymore?' And then I had a brief existential crisis (always a fun 4am activity.) All of which is to say, this post, on today of all days, was much appreciated and food for thought!
Dear Courtney, my love affair with wine, both white and red, overstayed its welcome, like a rare vintage that was cellared too long. I quit drinking alcohol at age 61 and haven't had a drop since, but my romance was a deep one and it wasn't an easy breakup. But I have never been happier about a decision about my health in my life. By the time I put the wine bottle down I was easily polishing off a bottle of white a night (less of a hangover but the same numbing effect) and literally taking it to bed with me in the guest room rather than deal with the problem staring me in the face in the marital bedroom upstairs. I would wake up to find the empty wine bottle in the trash, my head aching and knew I had to stop. I found a support group of like-minded women (Sober Sis, which popped up on my Instagram feed), read The Naked Mind, Quit Like a Woman, Laura McKowen's memoir, We Are The Luckiest, found substitutions for awhile for cocktail hour (there are some really decent NA chardonnay bubblies) and now, I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, putting down the wine bottle meant it was time for a reckoning. It would be more than a year before I ended my unhappy marriage but I might never had found the clarity and courage had I continued to numb myself with the wine elixir. And now I am, amazingly, an early riser, an early-to-bed kind of gal, my creativity is flourishing as never before and I have as much fun as ever; in fact more so! So when you write: "Saying no to red wine feels like I’m admitting to the existence of a divide between the young and somewhat festive person that I used to be and whatever I am now: a mother, a full time job haver, an insomniac who needs to be vigilant about their relationship to sleep, a person who is aging. Not drinking red wine makes me feel a bit despondent. I know that reads dramatically, but I’m bemoaning this: am I really at a place in life where only two glasses of the red stuff throws my next day off?" I think the answer to your question is probably "yes," and I get that you don't want to hear that. I loved my wine, too. But I consider myself as festive as ever, my sleep is seamless, and I have done the best thing I could possibly do to protect myself against the diseases of aging. I hope this helps. I am so glad you shared this because I am certain you are not alone. I only wish I had this realization at your age rather than waiting another decade to quit.
I live in fricking “wine country” and so many of us are having this convo. I just had my first California sober vacation. 9 days. It was a revelation. I’m living in a middle place on this, still drinking wine even though my husband is sober over a year, and it’s become weirdly tied to a tender question: Who am I now? At 54, how do I let loose/relax/connect? And is this the beginning of going quietly into the retreat of age? Thx for the post & safe travels.
Yes, absolutely yes to all of this. I also turned 45 this year, and I noticed a shift in the way my body is able to process alcohol in just the past couple of years, and it made me so mad! Like: I work and mother all day, and I'm so tired from that, and now I can't even unwind with a nice drink at the end of the day without feeling even tireder the next day. I actually gave up alcohol completely for the first, oh, 37 days or so of this past summer, because I had so much going on in my life that I knew I couldn't handle even one more drop of exhaustion, and even one drink would add to my exhaustion noticeably the next day. Sigh.
I was a bartender for six years in my twenties, and I still enjoy crafting delicious cocktails at home. I just have to admit my limits (or suffer the consequences). When I need to pare back, what I miss the most is the ritual of the experience, so I've tried other rituals, with some limited success.
And indeed on the perimenopause connection that other folks have mentioned here -- I totally equate my body's limited abilities with alcohol to this perimenopausal stage of life....which last years (aren't we lucky?)...and I've heard from other women who've shared anecdotes about their alcohol tolerance diminishing significantly during menopause.
Maybe we can look at this with a different perspective: maybe we needed alcohol to tolerate life as women in our 20s and 30s, but as we enter our 40s and 50s we are coming into our full power and truly being ourselves in a way that we were still growing into in our younger years (when societal expectations on women are bullsh*t), and our bodies are telling us: "hey, lady, you don't need that alcohol like you used to. Just be, because you are awesome."
Oct 18, 2023·edited Oct 18, 2023Liked by Courtney Maum
I love that you're sharing your places of reflection and evaluation around this, Courtney. Thank you.
I quit alcohol at age 45 (I'm now 48). At the time that I quit, all I was drinking was 2 glasses of red wine with dinner. That's it, and that had become way too much. SLEEP was wrecked. And sleep and so many things (including chronic anxiety) got way better after I got sober.
Wherever your own path leads, cheering you on in your process and grateful that you are sharing it.
Two years ago I had a diagnosis that prevented me from most almost all alcoholic drinking (at age 23) and I felt like I was going to lose every friend I had considering that was my main social scene. I started to drift a bit socially until I was upfront with my friends about needing to do more non-alcoholic activities for the sake of my health. We started doing a lot more picnics, dog walks, movie nights, and it helped me rediscover things that I liked doing (writing being one of them!) I found from my experience that a lot of people are actually also always changing or looking at their relationships with alcohol and being honest about it sort of gave us the confidence to move our relationships away from that centerpiece together. I will still have a cocktail every now and then still, because sometime life is hard and drinks are fun. All in all: Whatever is best for you, is likely best for everyone around you. Wine or some or none :)
In June, I attended a client dinner in DC & drank way too much white wine. I barely drink, so the hangover was awful. It reminded me of why I barely drink. I’m 51, and alcohol completely ruins my sleep, which then makes me cranky. Years ago, when I was newly pregnant with my 15yo daughter, I was at a book publishing event where booze was flowing. I stuck out like a sore thumb bc I wasn’t drinking. I hope that has changed.
"I fear I lack the courage" - I hate it when I want to make a decision but am afraid to do it in case I don't follow through. It's like, who is in charge here? But you had the courage to talk about it here, and I think that's very courageous.
I so very much relate to this. And, while I flit back and forth from red to white, I also feel drawn to the promises a glass of wine makes-- a slowed pulse, that lightly sparkly feeling, and, yes, a vague reconnection with carefree youth that did include much time spent in French and German speaking countries. I'm managing to decline the offer of a glass more and more these days, but I get still caught up in the "selfless accommodation" trap of feeling unsociable, unfriendly, even bitchy and ungrateful, is that a word, to whomever is inviting me to imbibe with them. This excuse is most ridiculous of all, I know, and I'm working on unpacking it. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I'm more than a decade older than you, and, yes, wine still makes me feel like shit.
What a brave and honest and much needed essay. Since you’ve obviously read the sober writers I have, I don’t need to tell you about them but I will recall one of Holly’s statements that brought me much solace when I was in a similar place to the one you are now (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t quite remember her exact words): sometimes knowing is enough. Knowing is part of the process, part of the recovery. I’m coming up on two years sober now and none of the time I spent drinking AND knowing was wasted. It all matters, and it all counts. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more.
I had a near-lifelong love of beer. Not as classy as wine, which I’ve never liked, but just as ingrained in my life. I’m 65, so we’re talking DECADES of daily beer consumption. Pitchers in my youth...oh, the pitchers I put away during my MFA program! Later, “good” beer, not swill, several every day, more than that in my 30s and 40s. As recently as a few years ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Before dinner, I had my beer and my husband, his wine. Anyway, 2.5 years ago, I quit drinking to lose weight for my daughter’s wedding. I never thought I’d be able to stick with it, but...it turned out to be easy, because I felt so much better physically. I’ve never gone back. Oh, I’ll have a cocktail on a special occasion, but I’ve lost my taste for beer, which once was my elixir of life. Sadly, I didn’t lose any weight, but I lost part of my identity (I was always the broad who could drink guys under the table) and I lost a weight around my neck. Probably a good thing, at 65.
I relate so hard to this. I'm forty five and making hard decisions around alcohol. I drink socially now, which means I don't drink much as I live in the sticks and have no friends. I can't believe how well I feel without even one glass of evening wine in me. I genuinely thought my eyes had gotten bigger, but it was literally the constant, chronic puffiness around them that had actually gone. It's so tough though, because I want to be the woman on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine while watching her favourite shows and still being bright as a button in the morning with clear skin and bright eyes. This imaginary woman suffers zero consequences. The very real woman that I am DOES. Thanks for posting this!
It sounds like you are asking the kinds of questions, with curiosity and honesty, that will lead to new adventures and experiences ahead. I don't drink anymore (BIG problem, mine) and have filled the time with a lot of sports outings and playdates. Thanks for showing people how the inquiry is done, it means a lot to share all the different ways we re-evaluate our relationships with alcohol, such a gray zone. XO
The connection between alcohol and fun is so intertwined! I've been sober 14 years now, but I still feel like a bonnet-donning Puritan every time I decline champagne at a wedding. But when I wake up the next morning after dancing HARD to Usher and Whitney Houston--there's no hangover. No headache. So it's worth it, bonnet and all. Reevaluating a changing relationship to a substance is hard work. Wishing you peace as you do that work.
I so feel this. Like, so much. Fellow insomniac, totally get all of this. Anyway, a few years ago I realized that my relationship with alcohol was not what I wanted it to be -- I didn't drink often but when I did, I was usually using it to cover up social anxiety, and I finally was like, Heyyyyy maybe deal with the social anxiety and the anxiety/panic disorder in general? Which, not easy. Whew. Please know that none of this is meant to be prescriptive AT ALL because everyone's path is different, but now before going out I usually take a CBD capsule. CBD/CBN products have been great for me on this front (as well as prescription anxiety meds I don't use often but def need on hand). I go into the legal weed stores and say to the budtender, I do not want to get high, what do you have that will help with sleep, and then give me a different gummy for anxiety -- and believe me I use the sleep gummies every night. Happy to rec products if anyone wants recs (Incredibles Snoozeberry sleep gummies are the best but locally every store is out of them, argh. Camino is also good.)
Anyway I had to have a big ol' reckoning with myself about how much social events (even ones I enjoy!) take out of me and how much life itself was taking out of me because blah blah blah be a perfect female superwoman, the usual programming we all get. So, my deal: I decided one January a few years back to try to not consume alcohol for a year. I made it to July, then had a few drinks in the remainder of that year. Then the following January, decided to give it another try. Made it the whole year and realized that I still definitely like and enjoy cocktails and (especially sparkling) wine, but my relationship with alcohol was different. Not, in any way shape or form, telling anyone else that any of this will work for them; not presuming at all. Just sending big huge hunks of respect to everything you said here, and I really get that it's really hard to re-think this relationship with a substance that can be so fun and can have so many comforting and positive associations.
Also, mini-rant -- why has it taken the industry so long to make more tiny/wee bottles of wine available? I still drink, pretty rarely, but now and then. But I now buy (usually from chain grocery stores) small bottles or cans of bubbly, and they are game-changers. About once a month (if that), I crack one open and drink it, and that's that -- no more guilt about "well, I opened this regular bottle of sparkling wine, so now, I can't let it go to waste, I'll try to finish it" after my husband has had his token one-ounce serving. I honestly am glad there appear to be more small-size to-go alcohol servings. Now I'm a once-a-month small bubbly bottle-haver, and not to brag but yes, my life is exactly that exciting.
There's a lot of emotion caught up in this stuff and it's hard to process. On top of that, the stress of the last several years... just beyond. And so of course, like a Smart Person, I went without a therapist for the first year-plus of the pandemic (REALLY dumb choice on my part, major whoops). Genuinely did not know how to find a new therapist (my first had been a referral from a friend and I saw her for 20 years). Eventually I looked on the Psychology Today website a couple years ago and I found a great new therapist there. I don't know if I just lucked out or what but I'm so glad I tried that site. We were in person at first but then she moved out of state and we're going strong on Zoom.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty, Courtney, seriously. I appreciate it. I'm about a decade older than you and these changes are so real and they ain't easy. And thanks to everyone sharing their stories.
I love that you're having this conversation out loud, and I'm rooting for you no matter what. xo
I. COULD. NOT. FEEL. THIS. ANY. HARDER. All of it. The whole thing. Recently, I didn't drink at all for 10 days (I know, where is my medal?!) because I was sick, and as I was finally getting better, I had a few good nights of sleep in a row. Last night, I had one (1!) glass of red wine around 9pm, just to "wind down" and enjoy a few chapters of my book (GLOSSSY by Marisa Meltzer; so good). I went to sleep at 11:30pm and was wide awake and feeling utterly crapulent at 4am. This is not a new pattern, alas. I said to myself, 'Self, maybe you can't drink red wine anymore?' And then I had a brief existential crisis (always a fun 4am activity.) All of which is to say, this post, on today of all days, was much appreciated and food for thought!
Dear Courtney, my love affair with wine, both white and red, overstayed its welcome, like a rare vintage that was cellared too long. I quit drinking alcohol at age 61 and haven't had a drop since, but my romance was a deep one and it wasn't an easy breakup. But I have never been happier about a decision about my health in my life. By the time I put the wine bottle down I was easily polishing off a bottle of white a night (less of a hangover but the same numbing effect) and literally taking it to bed with me in the guest room rather than deal with the problem staring me in the face in the marital bedroom upstairs. I would wake up to find the empty wine bottle in the trash, my head aching and knew I had to stop. I found a support group of like-minded women (Sober Sis, which popped up on my Instagram feed), read The Naked Mind, Quit Like a Woman, Laura McKowen's memoir, We Are The Luckiest, found substitutions for awhile for cocktail hour (there are some really decent NA chardonnay bubblies) and now, I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, putting down the wine bottle meant it was time for a reckoning. It would be more than a year before I ended my unhappy marriage but I might never had found the clarity and courage had I continued to numb myself with the wine elixir. And now I am, amazingly, an early riser, an early-to-bed kind of gal, my creativity is flourishing as never before and I have as much fun as ever; in fact more so! So when you write: "Saying no to red wine feels like I’m admitting to the existence of a divide between the young and somewhat festive person that I used to be and whatever I am now: a mother, a full time job haver, an insomniac who needs to be vigilant about their relationship to sleep, a person who is aging. Not drinking red wine makes me feel a bit despondent. I know that reads dramatically, but I’m bemoaning this: am I really at a place in life where only two glasses of the red stuff throws my next day off?" I think the answer to your question is probably "yes," and I get that you don't want to hear that. I loved my wine, too. But I consider myself as festive as ever, my sleep is seamless, and I have done the best thing I could possibly do to protect myself against the diseases of aging. I hope this helps. I am so glad you shared this because I am certain you are not alone. I only wish I had this realization at your age rather than waiting another decade to quit.
I live in fricking “wine country” and so many of us are having this convo. I just had my first California sober vacation. 9 days. It was a revelation. I’m living in a middle place on this, still drinking wine even though my husband is sober over a year, and it’s become weirdly tied to a tender question: Who am I now? At 54, how do I let loose/relax/connect? And is this the beginning of going quietly into the retreat of age? Thx for the post & safe travels.
Yes, absolutely yes to all of this. I also turned 45 this year, and I noticed a shift in the way my body is able to process alcohol in just the past couple of years, and it made me so mad! Like: I work and mother all day, and I'm so tired from that, and now I can't even unwind with a nice drink at the end of the day without feeling even tireder the next day. I actually gave up alcohol completely for the first, oh, 37 days or so of this past summer, because I had so much going on in my life that I knew I couldn't handle even one more drop of exhaustion, and even one drink would add to my exhaustion noticeably the next day. Sigh.
I was a bartender for six years in my twenties, and I still enjoy crafting delicious cocktails at home. I just have to admit my limits (or suffer the consequences). When I need to pare back, what I miss the most is the ritual of the experience, so I've tried other rituals, with some limited success.
And indeed on the perimenopause connection that other folks have mentioned here -- I totally equate my body's limited abilities with alcohol to this perimenopausal stage of life....which last years (aren't we lucky?)...and I've heard from other women who've shared anecdotes about their alcohol tolerance diminishing significantly during menopause.
Maybe we can look at this with a different perspective: maybe we needed alcohol to tolerate life as women in our 20s and 30s, but as we enter our 40s and 50s we are coming into our full power and truly being ourselves in a way that we were still growing into in our younger years (when societal expectations on women are bullsh*t), and our bodies are telling us: "hey, lady, you don't need that alcohol like you used to. Just be, because you are awesome."
I love that you're sharing your places of reflection and evaluation around this, Courtney. Thank you.
I quit alcohol at age 45 (I'm now 48). At the time that I quit, all I was drinking was 2 glasses of red wine with dinner. That's it, and that had become way too much. SLEEP was wrecked. And sleep and so many things (including chronic anxiety) got way better after I got sober.
Wherever your own path leads, cheering you on in your process and grateful that you are sharing it.
Two years ago I had a diagnosis that prevented me from most almost all alcoholic drinking (at age 23) and I felt like I was going to lose every friend I had considering that was my main social scene. I started to drift a bit socially until I was upfront with my friends about needing to do more non-alcoholic activities for the sake of my health. We started doing a lot more picnics, dog walks, movie nights, and it helped me rediscover things that I liked doing (writing being one of them!) I found from my experience that a lot of people are actually also always changing or looking at their relationships with alcohol and being honest about it sort of gave us the confidence to move our relationships away from that centerpiece together. I will still have a cocktail every now and then still, because sometime life is hard and drinks are fun. All in all: Whatever is best for you, is likely best for everyone around you. Wine or some or none :)
In June, I attended a client dinner in DC & drank way too much white wine. I barely drink, so the hangover was awful. It reminded me of why I barely drink. I’m 51, and alcohol completely ruins my sleep, which then makes me cranky. Years ago, when I was newly pregnant with my 15yo daughter, I was at a book publishing event where booze was flowing. I stuck out like a sore thumb bc I wasn’t drinking. I hope that has changed.
"I fear I lack the courage" - I hate it when I want to make a decision but am afraid to do it in case I don't follow through. It's like, who is in charge here? But you had the courage to talk about it here, and I think that's very courageous.
I so very much relate to this. And, while I flit back and forth from red to white, I also feel drawn to the promises a glass of wine makes-- a slowed pulse, that lightly sparkly feeling, and, yes, a vague reconnection with carefree youth that did include much time spent in French and German speaking countries. I'm managing to decline the offer of a glass more and more these days, but I get still caught up in the "selfless accommodation" trap of feeling unsociable, unfriendly, even bitchy and ungrateful, is that a word, to whomever is inviting me to imbibe with them. This excuse is most ridiculous of all, I know, and I'm working on unpacking it. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I'm more than a decade older than you, and, yes, wine still makes me feel like shit.
What a brave and honest and much needed essay. Since you’ve obviously read the sober writers I have, I don’t need to tell you about them but I will recall one of Holly’s statements that brought me much solace when I was in a similar place to the one you are now (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t quite remember her exact words): sometimes knowing is enough. Knowing is part of the process, part of the recovery. I’m coming up on two years sober now and none of the time I spent drinking AND knowing was wasted. It all matters, and it all counts. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more.
I had a near-lifelong love of beer. Not as classy as wine, which I’ve never liked, but just as ingrained in my life. I’m 65, so we’re talking DECADES of daily beer consumption. Pitchers in my youth...oh, the pitchers I put away during my MFA program! Later, “good” beer, not swill, several every day, more than that in my 30s and 40s. As recently as a few years ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Before dinner, I had my beer and my husband, his wine. Anyway, 2.5 years ago, I quit drinking to lose weight for my daughter’s wedding. I never thought I’d be able to stick with it, but...it turned out to be easy, because I felt so much better physically. I’ve never gone back. Oh, I’ll have a cocktail on a special occasion, but I’ve lost my taste for beer, which once was my elixir of life. Sadly, I didn’t lose any weight, but I lost part of my identity (I was always the broad who could drink guys under the table) and I lost a weight around my neck. Probably a good thing, at 65.
I relate so hard to this. I'm forty five and making hard decisions around alcohol. I drink socially now, which means I don't drink much as I live in the sticks and have no friends. I can't believe how well I feel without even one glass of evening wine in me. I genuinely thought my eyes had gotten bigger, but it was literally the constant, chronic puffiness around them that had actually gone. It's so tough though, because I want to be the woman on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine while watching her favourite shows and still being bright as a button in the morning with clear skin and bright eyes. This imaginary woman suffers zero consequences. The very real woman that I am DOES. Thanks for posting this!
It sounds like you are asking the kinds of questions, with curiosity and honesty, that will lead to new adventures and experiences ahead. I don't drink anymore (BIG problem, mine) and have filled the time with a lot of sports outings and playdates. Thanks for showing people how the inquiry is done, it means a lot to share all the different ways we re-evaluate our relationships with alcohol, such a gray zone. XO
The connection between alcohol and fun is so intertwined! I've been sober 14 years now, but I still feel like a bonnet-donning Puritan every time I decline champagne at a wedding. But when I wake up the next morning after dancing HARD to Usher and Whitney Houston--there's no hangover. No headache. So it's worth it, bonnet and all. Reevaluating a changing relationship to a substance is hard work. Wishing you peace as you do that work.
I so feel this. Like, so much. Fellow insomniac, totally get all of this. Anyway, a few years ago I realized that my relationship with alcohol was not what I wanted it to be -- I didn't drink often but when I did, I was usually using it to cover up social anxiety, and I finally was like, Heyyyyy maybe deal with the social anxiety and the anxiety/panic disorder in general? Which, not easy. Whew. Please know that none of this is meant to be prescriptive AT ALL because everyone's path is different, but now before going out I usually take a CBD capsule. CBD/CBN products have been great for me on this front (as well as prescription anxiety meds I don't use often but def need on hand). I go into the legal weed stores and say to the budtender, I do not want to get high, what do you have that will help with sleep, and then give me a different gummy for anxiety -- and believe me I use the sleep gummies every night. Happy to rec products if anyone wants recs (Incredibles Snoozeberry sleep gummies are the best but locally every store is out of them, argh. Camino is also good.)
Anyway I had to have a big ol' reckoning with myself about how much social events (even ones I enjoy!) take out of me and how much life itself was taking out of me because blah blah blah be a perfect female superwoman, the usual programming we all get. So, my deal: I decided one January a few years back to try to not consume alcohol for a year. I made it to July, then had a few drinks in the remainder of that year. Then the following January, decided to give it another try. Made it the whole year and realized that I still definitely like and enjoy cocktails and (especially sparkling) wine, but my relationship with alcohol was different. Not, in any way shape or form, telling anyone else that any of this will work for them; not presuming at all. Just sending big huge hunks of respect to everything you said here, and I really get that it's really hard to re-think this relationship with a substance that can be so fun and can have so many comforting and positive associations.
Also, mini-rant -- why has it taken the industry so long to make more tiny/wee bottles of wine available? I still drink, pretty rarely, but now and then. But I now buy (usually from chain grocery stores) small bottles or cans of bubbly, and they are game-changers. About once a month (if that), I crack one open and drink it, and that's that -- no more guilt about "well, I opened this regular bottle of sparkling wine, so now, I can't let it go to waste, I'll try to finish it" after my husband has had his token one-ounce serving. I honestly am glad there appear to be more small-size to-go alcohol servings. Now I'm a once-a-month small bubbly bottle-haver, and not to brag but yes, my life is exactly that exciting.
There's a lot of emotion caught up in this stuff and it's hard to process. On top of that, the stress of the last several years... just beyond. And so of course, like a Smart Person, I went without a therapist for the first year-plus of the pandemic (REALLY dumb choice on my part, major whoops). Genuinely did not know how to find a new therapist (my first had been a referral from a friend and I saw her for 20 years). Eventually I looked on the Psychology Today website a couple years ago and I found a great new therapist there. I don't know if I just lucked out or what but I'm so glad I tried that site. We were in person at first but then she moved out of state and we're going strong on Zoom.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty, Courtney, seriously. I appreciate it. I'm about a decade older than you and these changes are so real and they ain't easy. And thanks to everyone sharing their stories.