The book, Mother Code, needs to be on my bookshelves to help me understand better why my 54-year-old-son and his 48-year-old partner, Natalie, want to be parents at their ages. A year ago, the baby Natalie was carrying died just before the baby they'd named Leandro, was due to be born with Downs syndrome and several heart problems. I had been a Director of Special Education so know the pain suffered by the children born with these health challenges and only felt relief. My husband, son, and daughter-in-law deeply felt the death of Leo. I want to comprehend their feelings. It sounds like this book would help me with that.
I've been writing about what it means to be a 'mother' for five years now. I'm a career nanny going on 14 years and often have incredibly complicated thoughts on the ownership of children, the communal aspect of responsibility over them, the class dynamics within that chain of care, and how the word 'mother' often fails to encapsulate the complexity and nuance of any of these. I'm also in the final stretch of editing my debut, which follows a career nanny who becomes obsessed with the idea of giving birth as a way to reconcile the violence she experienced at the hands of an ex-girlfriend. There's a lot of similar threads in Ackerman's book -- particularly around the blinding psychosis that hits when one becomes desperate to give birth. But what I'm really interested in reading here is how we try to outrun lineage and this knee-jerk reaction towards putting our bodies through an immense act, all in the hope that we can prove something to ourselves. As I wrap up edits for a novel that is so deeply personal I've really taken solace in other books that are operating from the same field. I'd love to add The Mother Code to my support pile.
The Mother Code needs to be on my bookshelf! It needs the company of the books already there, including Rachel Zucker's MOTHERs, Sophia Shalmiyev's Mother Winter, Camille Dungy's Soil, Adrienne Rich's Of Woman Born, Ariel Gore's We Were Witches, Doireann Ní Ghríofa's A Ghost in the Throat, Rachel Yoder's Nightbitch, Sabrina Orah Mark's Happily, Mary Jo Bang's Elegy, Jennifer Natalya Fink's All Our Families, Julie Phillips' The Baby on the Fire Escape, Jennifer Franklin's If Some God Shakes Your House, Sarah Sentilles' Stranger Care, Christa Wolf's Medea, Jacqueline Rose's Mothers: An Essay on Love and Cruelty... Doesn't Ruthie Ackerman belong in this company of mother writers?
Hi Courtney, what a fascinating and thought-provoking post for Mother's Day! I am a long-time single parent of an amazing kid (now a young adult) and parented him very differently than my parents parented me, and how their parents raised them, and how his dad was parented--and now parents his half-siblings.
I liked the quote you included from Random House about "a mother code that goes beyond our bloodlines and genetics and instead urges us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love." This is definitely my aim! So far, so good. I'm a lucky mama.
I would really like to have this book as I am writing a memoir about my mother who was an early LSD researcher who became a cult leader. Both she and I had our children around our 40s. We both had careers and nannies for our children. I’ve had major issues with our children and think my daughter and I had parent-child mismatch although, via very painful (for me) therapy with her have reconciled. We have watched our son struggle with dual diagnosis, which he is thankfully learning how to manage. These issues are not only personal but also societal, especially expectations of women. Thank you for considering me.
Memoirs about motherhood have somehow become my favorite genre. The physical and emotional challenges are limitless, and I love reading each new attempt to capture a journey that’s so difficult to fully articulate. I’d love to read this book! Happy Mother’s Day! Paddling sounds great.
As someone who similarly wrestled with the idea of becoming a mother and then crash-landed into it with twins (and autism), I'd love a copy of the Mother Code!
The topics The Mother Code addresses really resonate with me. As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I've long struggled with what constitutes being a 'normal' mother, if such a thing is possible, all the pressures of what it means to be a mother and to have a mother. My mother is not like any Hallmark card greeting and processing and facing that has been painful. It also delayed my journey to motherhood. After many rounds of IVF, I'm now a mother to a one year old, figuring out what love and mothering looks like and forging my own path for me and my son.
Congratulations, Mama! In the "narcissistic mother" genre, you might enjoy Elissa Altman's "Motherland: A memoir of Love, Loathing and Longing" or my novel "Costalegre" which is about the twisted relationship between Peggy and Pegeen Guggenheim. Thank you for sharing.
You can do it, Christine! (My mother is a classic narcissist, too, as are my 2 siblings.) You'll be a great mom because you're aware of what NOT to do. I remember reading somewhere, when my son was very little, that if you feel like you're about to lose your temper or say something mean to your child, think about how you'd feel if someone said that to you. And also count backwards from 10 to 1 before speaking or acting. HTH.
The book, Mother Code, needs to be on my bookshelves to help me understand better why my 54-year-old-son and his 48-year-old partner, Natalie, want to be parents at their ages. A year ago, the baby Natalie was carrying died just before the baby they'd named Leandro, was due to be born with Downs syndrome and several heart problems. I had been a Director of Special Education so know the pain suffered by the children born with these health challenges and only felt relief. My husband, son, and daughter-in-law deeply felt the death of Leo. I want to comprehend their feelings. It sounds like this book would help me with that.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss-- that's heart breaking. Thank you for sharing.
I've been writing about what it means to be a 'mother' for five years now. I'm a career nanny going on 14 years and often have incredibly complicated thoughts on the ownership of children, the communal aspect of responsibility over them, the class dynamics within that chain of care, and how the word 'mother' often fails to encapsulate the complexity and nuance of any of these. I'm also in the final stretch of editing my debut, which follows a career nanny who becomes obsessed with the idea of giving birth as a way to reconcile the violence she experienced at the hands of an ex-girlfriend. There's a lot of similar threads in Ackerman's book -- particularly around the blinding psychosis that hits when one becomes desperate to give birth. But what I'm really interested in reading here is how we try to outrun lineage and this knee-jerk reaction towards putting our bodies through an immense act, all in the hope that we can prove something to ourselves. As I wrap up edits for a novel that is so deeply personal I've really taken solace in other books that are operating from the same field. I'd love to add The Mother Code to my support pile.
Thank you so much for sharing! Your book sounds absolutely fascinating and so nuanced!
The Mother Code needs to be on my bookshelf! It needs the company of the books already there, including Rachel Zucker's MOTHERs, Sophia Shalmiyev's Mother Winter, Camille Dungy's Soil, Adrienne Rich's Of Woman Born, Ariel Gore's We Were Witches, Doireann Ní Ghríofa's A Ghost in the Throat, Rachel Yoder's Nightbitch, Sabrina Orah Mark's Happily, Mary Jo Bang's Elegy, Jennifer Natalya Fink's All Our Families, Julie Phillips' The Baby on the Fire Escape, Jennifer Franklin's If Some God Shakes Your House, Sarah Sentilles' Stranger Care, Christa Wolf's Medea, Jacqueline Rose's Mothers: An Essay on Love and Cruelty... Doesn't Ruthie Ackerman belong in this company of mother writers?
This is an exceptional list! And reminds me I still haven't read "A Ghost in the Throat"!
Hi Courtney, what a fascinating and thought-provoking post for Mother's Day! I am a long-time single parent of an amazing kid (now a young adult) and parented him very differently than my parents parented me, and how their parents raised them, and how his dad was parented--and now parents his half-siblings.
I liked the quote you included from Random House about "a mother code that goes beyond our bloodlines and genetics and instead urges us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love." This is definitely my aim! So far, so good. I'm a lucky mama.
Happy Mother's Day to you and thanks for sharing.
Happy Mother's Day right back!
I would really like to have this book as I am writing a memoir about my mother who was an early LSD researcher who became a cult leader. Both she and I had our children around our 40s. We both had careers and nannies for our children. I’ve had major issues with our children and think my daughter and I had parent-child mismatch although, via very painful (for me) therapy with her have reconciled. We have watched our son struggle with dual diagnosis, which he is thankfully learning how to manage. These issues are not only personal but also societal, especially expectations of women. Thank you for considering me.
Thank you so much for sharing, Maleah! Your book sounds absolutely riveting.
Memoirs about motherhood have somehow become my favorite genre. The physical and emotional challenges are limitless, and I love reading each new attempt to capture a journey that’s so difficult to fully articulate. I’d love to read this book! Happy Mother’s Day! Paddling sounds great.
I agree! I love them, too!
As someone who similarly wrestled with the idea of becoming a mother and then crash-landed into it with twins (and autism), I'd love a copy of the Mother Code!
Oh wow! A very happy Mother's Day to you, yesterday, today, and every day.
The topics The Mother Code addresses really resonate with me. As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I've long struggled with what constitutes being a 'normal' mother, if such a thing is possible, all the pressures of what it means to be a mother and to have a mother. My mother is not like any Hallmark card greeting and processing and facing that has been painful. It also delayed my journey to motherhood. After many rounds of IVF, I'm now a mother to a one year old, figuring out what love and mothering looks like and forging my own path for me and my son.
Congratulations, Mama! In the "narcissistic mother" genre, you might enjoy Elissa Altman's "Motherland: A memoir of Love, Loathing and Longing" or my novel "Costalegre" which is about the twisted relationship between Peggy and Pegeen Guggenheim. Thank you for sharing.
I just got your book "Costalegre" and I'm excited to read it. And thank you for the other recommendation!
Oh that is awesome, Christine, thank you!
You can do it, Christine! (My mother is a classic narcissist, too, as are my 2 siblings.) You'll be a great mom because you're aware of what NOT to do. I remember reading somewhere, when my son was very little, that if you feel like you're about to lose your temper or say something mean to your child, think about how you'd feel if someone said that to you. And also count backwards from 10 to 1 before speaking or acting. HTH.
Thank you so much!