I struggle with this rush and pressure as well, especially during my last pregnancy. Here’s to letting things grow at their own pace! And I hope you feel much better soon.
Sending all the healing vibes and wish they were accompanied by soup! I so relate to this struggle of feeling the need to do more with the time that seems always to be slipping away. Thank you for your generosity!
I feel you! I had reconstructive foot surgery this past winter, and I had cancer in 2020 - in both cases my doctors said, "This is about you, and your job now is to heal. That's it." Guess who rode her bike everyday to her daily radiation? The only reason I didn't ride my bike to chemotherapy is my doctors begged me not to! I still made dinner when I was supposed to be on bed rest. Even when I'm working really hard and nailing most things, I feel like I am failing all things. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, but now I wonder how much of this is about being a woman? It's like we all fear if we don't over perform the patriarchy will put us out to pasture!
Yes to this post! Yes to the comments already here. Yes to knowing, in-ones-bones, that you (i.e., me) can disregard anticipated healing time due to one's own total assuredness (leaving it. autocorrect wants that to be 'absurdness' which might be information for me) in the same way it's possible to walk somewhere in 6 minutes, even though the iPhone map says 9 minutes.
Thanks for sharing this post that seems to speak directly to the insides of many of our (at least my) heads. I am very good at setting both realistic boundaries and deadlines (that I beat, 100% of the time) in my day job. In my writing life and person-in-the-world life, I fail to give myself this grace or understand the constraints of a day, a week, a body.
I just read the very, very smart Real Self-Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) by Pooja Lakshmin, MD. I do think - and believe Dr. Lakshmin would agree, there's a lot wrapped up in the pressure of of being a woman. I really recommend this book. (I think the kicky title undersells how hard-hitting her approach is. I understand kicky titles sell books and get interviews! Like the one I listened to that made me read the book.) The first part is a smidge depressing (patriarchy), but/and she's a psychiatrist who got so fed up with the medical system (treating the symptoms, not the systemic problems) that she left medicine for a while to live in a commune of people studying female orgasm. She came back eventually and now has a private practice, where she sees a lot of women who sound frankly, a lot like me - wanting to push myself really hard and not particularly skilled at figuring out what I want to do, how to give rest to myself, etc.
All to say, it's a quick, good read with big words I'm sure my therapist knows.
Best wishes for good healing - and real rest - Courtney!
I would be remiss to not mention that the author of Real Self Care is a Substack-er her very own self. I'm new (today!) to her stack (do we call them that?) and must share that her project is The Year of Slow. Seems like something many of us commenters here could gently (& expectation-free) contemplate. https://substack.com/home/post/p-144203535?source=queue
Tara - I can relate! When I broke my foot, I just got a stool so I could rest a knee on it and keep cooking dinner. And got a scooter to get around, which wasn't bad, but it was still busy. It does help to know we're not alone in this... and perhaps to be able to encourage each other. I do wonder if women feel like we have to be all things to all people.
"When I broke my foot, I just got a stool so I could rest a knee on it and keep cooking dinner." I FEEL THIS IN MY OWN BONES. We never really stop, we never really rest. A friend once told me that he thought I was a shark- that if I stopped swimming I might die, and that resonated with me. Maybe not in a good way!
Wow, Courtney - I never thought of myself as a shark but there could be a lot there! Like, does my productivity / need to keep going actually intimidate others and result in unintended distance.... powerful but not always inviting!
Thank you so much for this, Courtney! I literally opened my laptop with these exact feelings tugging at me and it was such a gift to read that I'm not alone in them. I'm hoping you can find a way to savor the slowness of mending both your body and your book.
This was exactly what I needed to read today. It's also what I need to read tomorrow, and the day after, ad infinitum. The drive to do everything all of the time, and the despair of not having reached all my self-imposed goals -- these are always locked in a wrestling match in my head. Sit still in the sun today (I'll do the same) and feel better.
Thank you for your vulnerable posts. You are a superhero to me in a million ways. Finding a little zen is also a superpower, so it will only make you MORE powerful, in my book. When you share your struggles with us, it gives us all a little courage. You are appreciated and a gift to this world via your writing, talent, brilliance and your generous spirit toward helping others.
So many hearts to you, Courtney. As much as I need the wisdom you share here, my mind rebels against it (not for others, just myself). Still, I welcome the message again and again. And I love the idea of a revision table.
"But this writing thing takes time—so much time; time that feels expensive—and it takes a level of patience that is nearly saintly that I don’t yet possess myself." This is exactly it. I feel the same. All the time.
Courtney, wishing you patience and rest during your recovery. See my Substack post from 4/15 that might give you some hope on healing (Game Played in a Hospital Bed). I wrote it when I was recovering from lung surgery and trying to write again. I, too, didn't expect resting to be such an active effort.
I am right there with you on the manuscript front. I am finding that I have to hate my novel before I like it again. And giving it time to make itself likable again is hard. No one likes to watch the coffee brew. Productivity and deadlines are so seductive. All best.
I relate to this so much. I get stymied in my revisions because I feel I should be done already. I watch friends get their work out into the world and I'm still stuck in no-man's land and it sucks. But my schedule right now only allows me so much time to work and only so much mental bandwidth to write. I need to learn to be still with the time I do have, rather than frittering it away with anxious thoughts that I should've been published already, therefore why bother. The paradox is that if I keep rushing, it'll never be done. But if I slow down, it will reach it's own natural conclusion.
This post was for me. I'm a rusher, and I had reconstructive jaw surgery several years ago, so I know the absolute frustration, pain, and weird anxious exhaustion that comes from recovering from getting your face cut into. I definitely had times when I thought I was never going to be back to normal, but I did.
And man yes, I need this stillness. I'm in sort of a transition time in writing--my publisher I've been with for my previous four books has decided not to pursue a new contract, and my muse is also leading me in a totally new direction--middle age romance instead of kid lit. So this is a great reminder to sit with these new things and let them take the time they need.
I wonder if we had the same teachers - those comments sound like a direct cut and paste from thirty (forty?!) years ago ;) Hang in there, Courtney. Such a wise and insightful post (but I do hope you take the time you need to heal - we will be here when you are back to 100%!)
I struggle with this rush and pressure as well, especially during my last pregnancy. Here’s to letting things grow at their own pace! And I hope you feel much better soon.
Thank you, Sarah!
I thought of the time when my older daughter was a newborn...and how I kept wondering why EVERYthing I did seemed to take so long.
Oh my gosh, so did I, Patty! It seems like molasses!
A friend of mine was always very upset she couldn’t manage to grow a human in less time than the average person 😂
hahaha!
Thank you for this; it resonates so much. Right now in particular because I'm sick with an awful cold and beating myself up for not writing.
I'm sorry to hear that Marsea-- can you read? Reading is a form of writing. Feel better soon.
Sending all the healing vibes and wish they were accompanied by soup! I so relate to this struggle of feeling the need to do more with the time that seems always to be slipping away. Thank you for your generosity!
Courtney Maum, I’m a serious fan — please hear two things from me:
1. Throw out those old report cards and notes from ancient history. For real, no lie: fuhgedaboud it!
2. We have all the time in the world to get your next book. We’ll be here, not anxiously waiting, but lovingly waiting.
Ok, three things:
3. Bless yourself with one more solid week to recover. You deserve it.
Thank you Maggie, really.
I feel you! I had reconstructive foot surgery this past winter, and I had cancer in 2020 - in both cases my doctors said, "This is about you, and your job now is to heal. That's it." Guess who rode her bike everyday to her daily radiation? The only reason I didn't ride my bike to chemotherapy is my doctors begged me not to! I still made dinner when I was supposed to be on bed rest. Even when I'm working really hard and nailing most things, I feel like I am failing all things. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, but now I wonder how much of this is about being a woman? It's like we all fear if we don't over perform the patriarchy will put us out to pasture!
Yes to this post! Yes to the comments already here. Yes to knowing, in-ones-bones, that you (i.e., me) can disregard anticipated healing time due to one's own total assuredness (leaving it. autocorrect wants that to be 'absurdness' which might be information for me) in the same way it's possible to walk somewhere in 6 minutes, even though the iPhone map says 9 minutes.
Thanks for sharing this post that seems to speak directly to the insides of many of our (at least my) heads. I am very good at setting both realistic boundaries and deadlines (that I beat, 100% of the time) in my day job. In my writing life and person-in-the-world life, I fail to give myself this grace or understand the constraints of a day, a week, a body.
I'm glad you brought up the interview with Marie-Helene Bertino. It was so delightful I went to her website and printed out this prompt as a fun way to get into my next revision section: http://www.mariehelenebertino.com/10-kinds-of-rain-optional-writing-prompt-for-disrupting-realism/
I just read the very, very smart Real Self-Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) by Pooja Lakshmin, MD. I do think - and believe Dr. Lakshmin would agree, there's a lot wrapped up in the pressure of of being a woman. I really recommend this book. (I think the kicky title undersells how hard-hitting her approach is. I understand kicky titles sell books and get interviews! Like the one I listened to that made me read the book.) The first part is a smidge depressing (patriarchy), but/and she's a psychiatrist who got so fed up with the medical system (treating the symptoms, not the systemic problems) that she left medicine for a while to live in a commune of people studying female orgasm. She came back eventually and now has a private practice, where she sees a lot of women who sound frankly, a lot like me - wanting to push myself really hard and not particularly skilled at figuring out what I want to do, how to give rest to myself, etc.
All to say, it's a quick, good read with big words I'm sure my therapist knows.
Best wishes for good healing - and real rest - Courtney!
Thank you for sharing, for reading, and for this fantastic recommendation which does sound incredible!
I would be remiss to not mention that the author of Real Self Care is a Substack-er her very own self. I'm new (today!) to her stack (do we call them that?) and must share that her project is The Year of Slow. Seems like something many of us commenters here could gently (& expectation-free) contemplate. https://substack.com/home/post/p-144203535?source=queue
Thank you so much for sharing, and for reading, Tara.
Tara - I can relate! When I broke my foot, I just got a stool so I could rest a knee on it and keep cooking dinner. And got a scooter to get around, which wasn't bad, but it was still busy. It does help to know we're not alone in this... and perhaps to be able to encourage each other. I do wonder if women feel like we have to be all things to all people.
"When I broke my foot, I just got a stool so I could rest a knee on it and keep cooking dinner." I FEEL THIS IN MY OWN BONES. We never really stop, we never really rest. A friend once told me that he thought I was a shark- that if I stopped swimming I might die, and that resonated with me. Maybe not in a good way!
Wow, Courtney - I never thought of myself as a shark but there could be a lot there! Like, does my productivity / need to keep going actually intimidate others and result in unintended distance.... powerful but not always inviting!
Thank you so much for this, Courtney! I literally opened my laptop with these exact feelings tugging at me and it was such a gift to read that I'm not alone in them. I'm hoping you can find a way to savor the slowness of mending both your body and your book.
This was exactly what I needed to read today. It's also what I need to read tomorrow, and the day after, ad infinitum. The drive to do everything all of the time, and the despair of not having reached all my self-imposed goals -- these are always locked in a wrestling match in my head. Sit still in the sun today (I'll do the same) and feel better.
Thank you for your vulnerable posts. You are a superhero to me in a million ways. Finding a little zen is also a superpower, so it will only make you MORE powerful, in my book. When you share your struggles with us, it gives us all a little courage. You are appreciated and a gift to this world via your writing, talent, brilliance and your generous spirit toward helping others.
I adore you. xo
So many hearts to you, Courtney. As much as I need the wisdom you share here, my mind rebels against it (not for others, just myself). Still, I welcome the message again and again. And I love the idea of a revision table.
"But this writing thing takes time—so much time; time that feels expensive—and it takes a level of patience that is nearly saintly that I don’t yet possess myself." This is exactly it. I feel the same. All the time.
Courtney, wishing you patience and rest during your recovery. See my Substack post from 4/15 that might give you some hope on healing (Game Played in a Hospital Bed). I wrote it when I was recovering from lung surgery and trying to write again. I, too, didn't expect resting to be such an active effort.
I am right there with you on the manuscript front. I am finding that I have to hate my novel before I like it again. And giving it time to make itself likable again is hard. No one likes to watch the coffee brew. Productivity and deadlines are so seductive. All best.
I look forward to reading that post! I will do, now. Good luck to us as we revise.
Oh, hi there, reading-my-thoughts-and-feelings-Courtney. Needed this today. Actually could have used it yesterday too. But glad you sat with it ;)
Thank you for the honesty here. Hope you are able to rest and have a quick recovery.
I relate to this so much. I get stymied in my revisions because I feel I should be done already. I watch friends get their work out into the world and I'm still stuck in no-man's land and it sucks. But my schedule right now only allows me so much time to work and only so much mental bandwidth to write. I need to learn to be still with the time I do have, rather than frittering it away with anxious thoughts that I should've been published already, therefore why bother. The paradox is that if I keep rushing, it'll never be done. But if I slow down, it will reach it's own natural conclusion.
This post was for me. I'm a rusher, and I had reconstructive jaw surgery several years ago, so I know the absolute frustration, pain, and weird anxious exhaustion that comes from recovering from getting your face cut into. I definitely had times when I thought I was never going to be back to normal, but I did.
And man yes, I need this stillness. I'm in sort of a transition time in writing--my publisher I've been with for my previous four books has decided not to pursue a new contract, and my muse is also leading me in a totally new direction--middle age romance instead of kid lit. So this is a great reminder to sit with these new things and let them take the time they need.
I WANT THE MIDDLE AGED ROMANCE REALLY BAD.
It is my deepest conviction that we need like 3000% more of them.
I wonder if we had the same teachers - those comments sound like a direct cut and paste from thirty (forty?!) years ago ;) Hang in there, Courtney. Such a wise and insightful post (but I do hope you take the time you need to heal - we will be here when you are back to 100%!)
Wishing you acceptance and a time-appropriate (not necessarily speedy) recovery!